Hello followers, I apologize for my lack of blogging these days…life has been…ummmm interesting, I guess. I kinda was planning on not doing this whole blogging real things thing and just reblogging funny things and all that but my new therapist wants me to try the whole typing my actual thoughts out again. I apologize in advance for any typos or things of that sort. I’m doing this on my tablet and it doesn’t have autocorrect or underline misspellings or anything. Plus I’m sorta a mess.
Where to start? Honestly, there is no possible way for me to get all my thoughts out and have it make sense but I’m hoping my therapist is right and seeing my thoughts will help me be more okay. I don’t know. So basically, depression and anxiety are a giant bitch. I started this semster off fairly okay….the Zoloft wasn’t working as well but I wasn’t a complete wreck….A few weeks ago (maybe a month ago), I stopped functioning completely….I couldn’t forcemyself out of bed to go to work or classes or anything. Even now I am still struggling….just not as much as the alast couple weeks….
So since I’ve had this lack of motivation, along with other stuff, I went back to therapy. Ihave a new therapist and I actually onnect with her….she makes me feel like maybe I can actually start to get better for real…. We had a really good talk the other day about how I need to stop avoiding the grey…..as in emotions. I only feel extremes which is why I have such a hard time mnagaing my emotions….it could be the bipolar disorder or it could just be human instict…so this first week of realizing I avoid the grey, I’m just going to acknowledge situations where it whould exist but then persist as usual…..she is perfectly fine with me taking teeny tiny baby steps like this.
So, since I’m a major mess tonight, I realize I should be somehwere in thre grey….and I avoid thegrey because I hate uncertainty and whatnot and other stuff i’m not ready to get into yet…. so I really want to cut….. but I also want to stop cutting….People always say to draw butterflies on your arms or hold an ice cube when the urge comes…..but that doesn’t help when you’re as comforted by it as I am. My issue is that I want a quick, calculated answer for my emotions….and that isnt how it works….but that is how my brain works….so I’m making a list….
A list of every little thing that has been making me feel the slightest bit uneasy… This list is going to make me look like a whore, terrible person, and really screwed up but I need to do this for myself….
—I’m failing organic chem. I failed the first quiz so I studied extra hard for the first exam and did even worse so I have given up. I’ve even stopped going to the labs… I also had to drop Spanish because my professor was very rude about my heart condition and it gave me so much anxiety and made me feel so bad about being sick that I couldnt even try to go to class wihtout panicking. This is gong to kill me GPA and I’m probably not goingto get into a grad school and I’ll end up having to go to Ivy Tech and get a bullshit associates in something studpid and hate my life forever and ever.
—I keep spending money on things Idont need to….like Facebok…for some reason I feel really good when I win things on Facebook so I dind myself buying extra lives and things of the sort….last year I spent about 200 bucks on this addiction….I don’t want to get to that point again but the more I stress about it….the worse it gets..
—I had a seizure and a really bad POTS episode last weekend that landed me in the ER and it freaked my best friend out and all the other people we were with didn’t believe itl….like they thought I was faking and it hurts so bad that they would think that…like these are my sisters….they are supposed to be therefor me no matter what I thought….
—My best friend, Colin, that I had been posting about off an on the last few years? Well, Ifinally told him that I still like him. And I think he sorta maybe likes me too. Which sounds lkie it should be simple…right? Well, it isn’t. He did that whole like dying on me thing again and so I flipped out and of course we make this realiziation of our mutual liking like right afte Kevin and I broke up (oh yeah….Kevin and I broke up and he still asn’t really told me why so I’m still pretty fucked up from that) and Colin being sick and stuff so Itried to be patient and wait for him to decide if he wants to be together or not… Itried my hardest to wait….but I’ve loved him for three years now….I don’t want to wait anymore. It honestly isn’t fair to me and the while this semster I was waiting, was so stressful and confusing… Honestly, it wouldve hurt like hell for him to say he wasnt interested but I wouldve at least then been like “okay, then best friends it is!”…..so I severed ties with him because I need to take care of myself.. So now I’ve learned 2 lessons…..1)don’t fall in love with your best friend right before you graduate high school because then you’ll spend 3 years wondering about it and 2)don’t ever get your hopes up that someing like that can work out.
—so here is where I start to sound like a whore….there’s this guy I started talking to once I realized I couldn’t stand waiting for Colin anymore…this guy is nice and goes to BSU and is pre-med and stuff but I amstruggling to even give him a chance. Not only is the whole anxiety and lack of confidence thing getting in the way but I’ve made so many mistakes that I don’t wanna maje more„„,ya know? Like I don;t know what I did to Kevin or why Corey2.0 was so abusive or why Tyler stood me up for senior prom or why Corey1.0 broke up with me or why my father left…so wy bother trying? I’m boound to do something to screw things yp again.
—so, after KEvin and I broke up I immediately had sex with one of my best guy friends…..like I had a crush on him last year but he wasnt intersted but now he is interest and I just wanted to get laid and get my mind off hings but tonight we were gonna hang out and I had a panic attackwhen I got to his house and ended up gonig to a parking lot and crying alone and kept on almost calling Colin because he can usually cheer me up but I didn’t want to bring him back into my life so I texted Joey instead which sorta helped Iguess.
—continuing my escapades…..I slept with my creeper…like the week after I slept with the other guy…..like I get that people do this in college but it isn’t normal for me at all. Ialways swore I wouldnt have sex with someone I wasnt in a relationship with….but oddly enough, i dont really care…Idont know whhy I did it but I dont feel as shitty as I thought i would. but FYI, it isn’t a regular thing…just once with both of them and now I’ve been celibate for like 3 weeks.
—I’ve barely been sleeping because I feel lonlieness in my gut and it sucks and my roommates are all fairly loud at night and we ahve very thin walls so I hear everything all the time and I’m such a light sleeper and it keeps me up. Lack of sleep makes depressino, anxiety, and POTS very obnoxious.
—Money. Nuff said.
So aftre spening like 40 minutes typing this, I actually feel a little better. Maybe. I don’t know. I son’t feel like cutting as much and I took a handful pf slee[ing [ills so hopefully I will sleep soon.
If you made it this far through, congrats. and thanks for reading my terrible ramblings.
my dad grew this potato that looks like a shark so he stuck a paper fin in it and he’s calling it Sharktato
it’s on a stick because he likes to move it around and sing the jaws theme song